


Not Quite Normal

by fuckphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Aromantic, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Platonic Relationships, Queerplatonic Relationships, aromatic!phil, kind of, platonic!phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-17
Updated: 2015-08-17
Packaged: 2018-04-15 05:59:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4595562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckphil/pseuds/fuckphil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Phil is aromantic and he’s desperate for someone to understand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Quite Normal

The first time Phil hears the word “crush” he is barely five years old. He remembers sitting on his grandmother’s couch as he watched his mother talk excitedly about how well he had been getting along with the new neighbors and their daughter, Holly. He listened attentively as his mother described them as “Practically inseparable”.

“Aw, does little Philly have a crush?” His grandmother had asked with adoring eyes. Phil looked up at that, staring at the woman before him with confused eyes.

“I think he does!” His mother had laughed, “Didn’t think I would be getting a daughter-in-law this soon!”

“When’s the wedding, huh, Phil?” His grandfather had piped in. Phil wasn’t even sure what any of them were talking about. Holly was his friend. Were you supposed want to marry your friends? Were you supposed to be in love with them? Phil really didn’t understand what they were saying.

“Holly is my friend.” He tells them, with a hint of confusion in his tone.

“Look he’s blushing!” His grandmother had gushed, “He’s practically smitten!”

“She’s my friend,” He repeated, “I don’t know what you mean.” His mother let out a soft laugh.

“We’re just teasing you, love,” His mum said in a gentle tone, “You’ll understand soon enough.”

But Phil really didn’t think he ever would.

______________________

When Phil turns eight he hears the word “crush” again. He hears it as his best friend, Jack, goes on about a girl from their class, her name was Angela and Jack told Phil that he thinks he might be in love.

He smiled so bright as he told Phil that Angela made his tummy fill with butterflies and his mind turn to mush. He told him that every time she got near his palms got all sweaty and his heartbeat sped up.

Phil had never had a crush before and he wondered if that was normal. He never felt the way that Jack did about Angela. He never felt anything like that towards anyone. He didn’t really see the big deal, either. Why would anyone want to feel like that anyway? It didn’t seem very fun. In fact, it seemed kind of ridiculous in Phil’s opinion.

Being so obsessed with someone that they control your life? Thinking about only them all day? It all seemed so useless.

He knew all the standard fairytales and how one day you were supposed to meet someone that made your heart want to explode and your thoughts rush really fast. You were supposed to find your soulmate, fall in love, get married, and have kids.

But to Phil the thought of being with someone made his stomach turn and no matter what he did he couldn’t shake the feeling of how wrong that felt to him.

And when he confides in his mum about this she tells him that it’s okay because he’s “Just a late bloomer” and “He’ll find the right person someday.”

And he finds himself praying that she’s right.

_________________________

When Phil turns thirteen he begins to think that there might be something wrong with him.

All his friends are beginning to go on dates and get boyfriends and girlfriends and all Phil really wants to do is scream. Everyone is pestering him and pushing him and he doesn’t understand why. His older brother tells him it’s about time he asks a girl out, his friends tell him that he needs to at least try dating, and Phil just wants to know why all of this is necessary.

All everyone will talk about is kissing, and love, and weddings, and babies, and spending their lives with someone else and Phil feels like he might be suffocating. Then he starts to question if this is even normal.

His mother always told him it took time. One day he would meet the right girl. One day he would feel things like his friends do. One day he would be normal like them.

But Phil just finds himself drowning. He’s spitting out random names every time he plays a round of truth or dare and he’s asked who his crush is. He’s avoiding girls in the hallway every time one of his friends tell him, “she has a crush on you!” He’s ditching his friends every time they try to set him up with some random girl from one of his classes. He’s avoiding every dance and every party in fear that some girl may ask him on a date. 

And then slowly Phil begins to realize that there is definitely something wrong with him.

_________________________

When Phil turns 15 he goes to his first party. He didn’t want to but after days of being pestered he finally gives in. He remembers standing awkwardly against a wall until his friends were dragging him into a circle of his peers, sitting him down and pulling out a bottle and putting it into the middle of their circle.

Phil had never played spin the bottle before, hell, he hadn’t even kissed anyone before and it should have been exciting and he should have been laughing and having fun along with his friends but all he wanted to do was run.

He watched with nervous eyes as one of the prettiest girls from their class took her turn. Hoping and praying that the bottle would not land on him. And his world nearly crashed down before him when the bottle ultimately landed on him and he looked up, meeting the bright eyes of the girl across the room.

He stood reluctantly, and watched as she did the same. And stood in his place as the girl made her way over to him and giving him a reassuring smile before leaning in and placing her gloss covered lips upon his.

And it should have felt good. For any other person this should have been like winning the lottery. This girl, one of the most popular and prettiest girls in their entire school was here, kissing Phil. It should have been like fireworks erupting from their lips. His heart should have been racing and his thoughts should have gone to muck and it should have been the best moment of his life thus far.

But it was nothing like that. It was nothing more than two lips clumsily meeting and pulling away. It wasn’t anything like it should have been. There were no fireworks. No skipped heartbeats. Nothing. He felt nothing. It was weird. And Phil didn’t like it.

His friends were wolf whistling and catcalling, clapping and cheering and Phil just felt so sick. The girl was still there smiling at him and laughing along with what their friends were doing but Phil just felt like he might throw up.

Then suddenly he was running, far away from all of this. They called after him but he could barely hear them. He ran until he was standing outside, feeling the cool night air his his features as he shakily took out his cell phone to call his mother to pick him up.

And when he got home he remembered staring at himself in the mirror for hours with a blank expression as he watched the tears roll slowly down his cheeks.

He was broken and there was nothing he could do to fix it.

____________________________

When Phil turned 17 he confided in someone for the first time.

He was at his best friend, Kyle’s house, and they were both sitting silently as they watched a movie together. It had been awhile since they had spent any time together and here they were, trying to catch up. Kyle had always been one of the closest people to Phil so he thought maybe, maybe he would understand. Maybe he would understand why Phil didn’t like it when people kissed him. Maybe he would understand that Phil never wanted to get married. Maybe he would understand that Phil didn’t want to fall in love or find someone to be with.

Maybe he would understand.

“Kyle,” Phil had said, barely audible, “Could I, could I tell you something?” His friend turned to him with a confused expression.

“Yeah, course,” He told him, “You can tell me anything, mate.”

“I….I think,” Phil sighed, “I don’t, I don’t think I can feel things for people, you know? Like, I don’t think I want a girlfriend…or…or a boyfriend. The whole idea to me, it just seems kind of…weird. And I don’t like it. I don’t like the idea of kissing people or being with people or dating or getting married. Do you…do you know what I mean?” Kyle stared at him for a moment before opening his mouth to speak.

“I…I really don’t Phil?” Kyle said, almost like it was a question, “You probably just haven’t met the right person yet, mate. It’ll be alright though, yeah? You’ll meet someone you like eventually, I’m sure of it.”

“But, you don’t get it I-”

“No, I do,” Kyle said, “You haven’t found someone you really like yet. It’s okay, you’ll meet her eventually, man. It’s just a matter of time.” And Phil just nodded. because maybe Kyle was right. Maybe he just hadn’t met the right person yet.

Maybe it would be okay.

___________________________

When Phil turned 18 he had his first girlfriend. They went to the same University and she had a nice smile so Phil thought that maybe he would give it a shot.

But the longer they were together the more suffocated Phil began to feel. But he didn’t understand why. There was nothing wrong with her. She was beautiful and sweet and funny but when she kissed him Phil just wanted to vomit.

So when she broke up with him two weeks later he felt free, almost relived.

And it was at this time that Phil knew that he would never be normal.

_______________________

When Phil turned 19 he lost his virginity to a boy he couldn’t remember the name of. It was his first college party and he had drank a little too much. And then someone was kissing him and pulling at his clothes and for the first time in his life he had felt something. The boy was sweet, and caring, and tender. He made Phil laugh and smile. He had felt like he was on fire, like he was alive, like for the first time ever there was something there. Like he wasn’t just an emotionless being doomed to spend the rest of his life alone. For once he could feel.

But the next morning when he awoke to a pounding head and sleeping boy cuddled up to his side he began to feel sick and not just from the hangover. And he didn’t understand.

When they had sex he felt great. It was great and he felt alive but now here was this boy curled up to his side and all he wanted to do was run. Why couldn’t Phil just be normal? He should have wanted to take this boy into his arms and kiss him and love him for the rest of his life. Wasn’t that what was supposed to happen when you has sex? Weren’t you supposed to love them? Wasn’t he supposed to feel attached?

There was nothing wrong with this boy. He was attractive and nice and sweet and everything someone should have wanted in a boyfriend. But all Phil wanted to do was be his friend. And that wasn’t right.

He was meant to feel more than just platonic feelings for this boy, right? He was supposed to want him and love him but he didn’t.

So when Phil left that day with a smile and a promise to call him he tossed his number in the trash because this boy deserved more than whatever the hell Phil was.

___________________

When Phil turned 20 he heard the word “aromantic” for the first time and suddenly everything started to make sense.

_________________________

When Phil turned 22 he met a boy with chestnut hair and a smile that could probably make flowers grow. They started to talk on Skype, the boy being a fan of Phil’s videos on YouTube, and Phil enjoying the fact that for the first time in a long time he had made a friend they formed an unlikely friendship.

And for the first time Phil started to feel like he had a best friend again. Dan was sweet and funny and always managed to make Phil laugh. They stayed up for hours talking and laughing and being stupid and Phil didn’t think he had ever felt so happy.

So when they finally managed to meet each other in person for the first time Phil thought it might be time to tell Dan who he was. And he prayed that maybe, just maybe he would understand.

So as they sat together on Phil’s bed, a laptop between them and some rerun of Buffy playing Phil cleared his throat, an attempt to get Dan’s attention.

“Dan do you…m-mind if I tell you something?” Phil said, almost reluctantly.

“Of course, Phil, anything.” Dan told him, while he paused the episode.

“I…I think…” He sighed, “I’m um, I’m aromantic.” And Phil expected Dan to yell or call him names or be confused or tell him he was crazy but all Dan did was smile.

“Cool, me too,” Dan said, “Now can we go back to watching Buffy?”

“I….what?” Phil asked.

“I said, cool, me too,” Dan laughed, “Geez, Phil, losing your hearing or something, old man? Now let’s get back to this episode. I was really getting into it.” And Phil just nodded, a huge smile spreading across his face as he leaned over to click play.

And for the first time in years Phil felt a giant weight be lifted off his shoulders.

And he thought maybe he would be okay.

Maybe they would be okay.

________________

Phil never thought he could be happy. Or love himself. Or accept what he was. But being with Dan made him feel like it was going to be okay.

Dan didn’t want to kiss him or hold him or be his boyfriend, Dan just wanted to be his friend, his best friend. And Phil didn’t think he knew how much that meant to him.

They weren’t conventional. That was for sure. No one quite understood. No one got that they weren’t boyfriends. No one really understood that they were friends who on the occasion, liked to have sex. No one understood that they were happy being with one another but just as best friends.

But that didn’t matter because they were happy. Dan made Phil feel normal. Like he wasn’t broken. Like he wasn’t the only one he felt this way because he didn’t. And it didn’t matter that they weren’t boyfriends and they weren’t going to get married because Dan was his best friend and he made him happy.

Being conventional didn’t matter. Not as long as he was happy.

And for the first time in his life Phil finally started to believe that he was, in fact, normal.


End file.
